TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely from position. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have One more location where American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present Every person a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This Trump Tower Damascus is smooth ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from House, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is by now attracting attention from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD can have turn-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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